ALEX MURPHY

I wanted to document this summer since it’s possibly the most confusing time period of my life so far and for those around me. 

We are in a transitionary state that is unspoken of with harsh changes and making decisions that seemingly have the utmost importance. 

This project was also a penance to this moment in time, to my friends, to whatever this is and everything we’re feeling, because there is a looming feeling around us that a lot is about to change and I wanted to preserve us and what we are right now, who knows where we’ll be in a years’ time. Another purpose for this project was to show all of the different directions everyone goes in, it’s quite stunning where everyone is now that summer is over; I have a friend starting sobriety from an addiction they’ve had throughout their teenage years, a friend starting at Oxford University, a friend starting testosterone and making progress in transitioning, friends starting work, travelling, moving out and we’re all the same age. 

This project is focused on people who have just finished college/sixth form and are now free from mandatory education forever and have the freedom to choose what to do next, as it’s a time like no other for us and I wanted to highlight this unique situation we are in. Something I noticed as I was creating the video, in which I put in clips of all kinds of summer experiences I had, some of which were with friends who are more than two years older than me was that they seemed to be feeling the exact same way I was despite the age gap and are somewhat in the same state as me, which made me wonder about whether the feeling of uncertainty ever ends for some of us.

I wanted to explore this grey area of time through talking to people about how it had affected them and what they were currently feeling, so I interviewed those around me (which is what you are listening to in the second half of the video). Some of the questions I asked were: 

How would you describe or label this period of time in your life? How do you feel about the future? How do you feel about this age (being 18)? Do you feel like you know your ‘purpose’ in life yet? Does it feel like your adolescence is ending? Have you noticed there being an increase in positive or negative emotions? Was it abrupt? (the change from full time education to complete freedom), What do you want to get out of the next phase of your life? Have you noticed changes in your relationships? and so on.

One of the main things I noticed when talking to people for this project was that some associated the end of this summer and school with the end of childhood, and the start of university, work etc. as the start of being an adult. So I asked what people associate with their adolescence to see how much truth there was to this and what we would be leaving behind, here are some of the responses:

Drunken stumbling to venues in Cardiff on school nights, 5am starts for swim training, finding myself, exchanging good times for sleeping, self-improvement, playing instruments badly with your friends for fun, drinking vodka from the bottle and using the lid for shots in the queue for a gig with friends, different styles and phases, drawing in sketch pads whilst listening to my shit CD’s, scrambling around for enough money to buy some baccy, forgetting to put shoes on every time you go outside at a house party, playing music until my ears hurt and feeling invisible, figuring out sexuality, shitty jobs, secret relationships and hiding cigarettes from the rents, getting stopped by southern rail ticket officers and paying £20 fines, looking back at your past self and realising how stupid you used to be, laying in parks at 2am, older men, the smell of wet mornings, smoking menthols outside the school gates with my friends hungover from the night before, crying over shitty bands and boys then realising I was gay, tactical chunders and lying to your parents, glens vodka, gear, spontaneity, self-doubt, telling your parents you’re at a ‘sleepover’ when out all night, experiments with drugs gone wrong, being desperate to get rid of my virginity, jumping off the port meadow bridge at the same time as all my friends into the river, exams, passing out in a strangers living room, fucking in bathrooms, picnics and drinking, a vague sense of freedom and not enough time or money to explore it fully, trying to get served in many dodgy shops, walking miles on end in random ends at 3am to find a bus, learning things I thought were cool are not, emo music, being in a bathtub at a house party with someone random, tattoo regret, standing my ground and looking after myself, pushing myself.

Some things I associate with my adolescence are: listening to Pink Floyd’s ‘Another Brick In The Wall’ on the way to every exam, identity crisis’, acne, going to London without a purpose or plan, adapting to situations, gigs, new found philosophies, fishnets, Sky Ferreira, anxiety, infatuation with people who are only infatuated with abusing substances, looking up apartment prices in foreign countries that I’m nowhere near close to affording like New York and LA, trains, isolation, intense feelings in my stomach – good and bad, trying to find my place, acknowledging that that place doesn’t exist, weed, turtlenecks in every colour, impatience, fancying all my friends, cutting my hair with kitchen scissors every few weeks, the feeling of going out at 11pm knowing my night is just starting and people are going home as theirs is ending.

One of the things that inspired this piece of work was a music video from 2010 by Arcade Fire for the song ‘The Suburbs’ which soundtracks the first half of my video. It follows a group of adolescents overtime, documenting their circumstances changing which in turn changes them and their relationships, it begins with peace and innocence as they cycle around their neighbourhoods, two of them fall in love and they are carefree. 

As the video progresses, a war breaks out which changes their dynamics, the tone of the video and their lives. The two fall out of love and one of them is recruited by the fighting side, violence breaks out and everything between them and around them changes. That blissful moment in time they were revelling in that didn’t appear to have an end is taken from them before they know it, in essence the video shows that time and external circumstances change everything eventually, that every bliss period has it’s end and should be cherished while it’s there which was also why I was so intent on documenting our bliss period before life interrupts it. 

The video also showcases who we become as a result of our innocence being taken from us through experiences and what we are exposed to in the ‘adult’ world. I wanted to not only document this moment in time before it ends but also to make a modern version of this, instead of a military war it’s a modern war of the working world where the influences changing your life and the lives of those around you are things like money, jobs, social media, family, friends, opportunities, mental health, etc. Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, it just emphasises the temporary nature of life and that no one moment will ever be the same as the next. 

There is also a familiarity in the starting scenes of the kids watching bombs being dropped from behind a fence, observing the world unravelling which is all too familiar for us in the current political and social state of the world (e.g. Trump, Brexit, Climate Change, Black Lives Matter, #MeToo) essentially everything listed in The 1975’s ‘Love It If We Made It’.

I asked online the question “what does this time period feel like to you?” and the answers I received were as varied as possible: “happiness, overwhelming, scary, change, confusing and unsure, empowering, unclear, pivotal, like I’m on the edge of something amazing but terrifying at the same time, confusing, paralysing, chaotic, a bliss period about to be cut short.” I also asked if things felt more clear or unclear right now; 26% said clear and 74% unclear.

This skinny dipping memory is probably my favourite from the whole of this summer, part of me is even happy that I have a scar on my right foot from cutting it on the rocks we had to walk on in the river to remind me of it and how I felt that day. It was like out of an old English country novel where the youths revel in their freedom, spirit and naivety. It was a time like no other that will never be relived in the same way. As cliché an experience it was, I always felt like I was lacking in those memories and experiences everyone around me had, it feels nice to have one like that. That day I felt like I was exactly where I needed to be, finally participating in my own life and spending summer how I was meant to as a freshly turned 18 year old, doing what was expected of me and feeling contently like a teenager for once.

During this project I became very aware of the fact that everyone is on different pages and needed different things to come of this time period, so I also asked people “what did this summer mean to you?” the responses were:

“Seeing the world, change, love, happiness, too much thinking, it’s okay to be alone because I’m an okay person to be alone with, realising what freedom was like, the end of forcing myself to live up to my own expectations and instead deciding to live, hair dyeing and skating, change, learning who I am and it’s okay to be that, best summer so far, having to actually sort my shit out, travelling Europe, learning the world has more to offer than originally thought, new beginnings and uncertainty, but exciting as fuck.”

For me this summer consisted of:

Learning about myself, taking risks, progress, indecision, finding self-discipline and it disappearing every other day, self-doubt, too much and too little time at once, growth, appreciating those around you, panic and fear of the unknown, listening, documenting, identifying what I want and need, disappointments as well as achievements, phases of obsessions and philosophies, exploring myself and possibilities, forcing myself to be a teenager, goodbyes, spirituality, boredom, job hunting, epiphanies, sunburn, nudity, new experiences, sunsets, swimming, smoking, new ideas, journalling, bursts of energy and pitfalls of it, all-nighters, ecstasy, evolving, comfort and discomfort, settling, car rides, support, unfulfilled plans, spontaneity, and most importantly a reminder that we are all living individual lives, after our paths have converged for so long.

This photo is of my friend Rosie on the third day of summer. Out of pure boredom we decided we would find a cheap gig to go to, bring notebooks and other inspiring material (such as The Messy Heads magazines, our cameras, journals, brightly coloured pens, etc.) and go to the nearby all night McDonald’s afterwards and plan projects and ideas for the summer and create until the trains started running again at 6am. 

The gig we found was by far the most interesting I’ve ever been to, one of the bands were all naked and only covered with tinfoil, another was a guy in long black latex gloves and a crop top who at the end of their act smashed a glass and started cutting at his stomach with it, another a comedian with a stocking on his head in a full satin pinstripe suit and another guy was just walking around in a leather BDSM mask (who I was gutted I didn’t get to photograph), as well as an insane saxophone player and too many others to list. This is Rosie in the McDonald’s afterwards at about three sketching her dream Tank Girl tattoo.

When in the twilight zone I was experiencing a feeling I never had before and I didn’t know how to approach it or deal with it or how to live my life by my own authority so I decided to explore that feeling as much as I could in as much depth as possible, which birthed this project. 

When you’re not sure what to do about an emotion I find that the best way to understand it is to delve into it and feel it fully and completely. I didn’t know what to do with my time, how to feel about my friends leaving and relationships shifting, I worried about not finding a job, about finding a job and hating it, about failing creatively, about having to settle for something I don’t want, about how my future would turn out, about being lost and not knowing what to do. I had wanted control over my life and time for so long but being handed it all at once was overwhelming and no one teaches you how to live a day to day life and keep yourself busy and fulfilled, so I spent my time exploring this period of confusion and indecision as much as I could. 

In situations like this we find ourselves looking around at what others are doing when we don’t know what to do ourselves, which is essentially what this project was; me evaluating my choices by exploring what everyone else was doing and experiencing.

Twilight Zone Playlist

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4LKCrjNziosKQRKxHosNdV?si=ri2i4-X2Tj2xZtXBiJwEvw